One of my students missed class earlier this week. A neighbor’s dog had attacked her Labrador, leading to an unplanned visit with the vet. It resulted in stitches for Toby, and a subsequent “cone of shame.” If you don’t know the term, the movie Up made it popular in 2009 because of its use by the talking dogs featured therein. (For the curious, etymologists endlessly debate the true origins, as us word nerds do.) Its more formal name is “Elizabethan collar.” Toby needed one to keep him from gnawing at the aforementioned stitches. Dogs have deep intelligence in some ways, but in others, not so much. They don’t know that chewing on and licking a wound worsens it.
Come to think of it, they’re not so different from me.
Toby doesn’t like the cone of shame, of course. He probably thinks his owner intends it as some sort of punishment. Dogs that have been coned almost universally bear a look of sadness and regret.
Toby’s owner knows it’s for his own good, but she can’t explain that to Toby. He just knows he hates it. But in a way, Toby is smarter than me.
Even though I know I need to get more sleep, I still find myself up at 2 AM working on something, even though I have to get up at 7 AM. At least Toby could claim ignorance. I don’t have that excuse.
Toby has an external guide who will do her best to keep him safe and healthy, and will cone him when it’s best for him.
Turns out, I have to cone myself. Nobody else will do it for me.
I have learned, for instance, that I just need to skip certain aisles in the grocery store. I do not have the self-discipline to avoid the sugar-laden yummy cream-cheese-frosted cake if it’s in the house. But because it takes some effort to bring it into the house in the first place, I can just leave it at the store.
I confess, though, that I need to avert my eyes.
What about you? What do you know better than that you do anyway? It may have nothing to do with food or even physical health. For instance, I know it’s not useful or healthy to berate myself when I inevitably mess something up because I’m, you know, human. Still, I wind up talking to myself in ways I would never tolerate from anyone else.
I know better. I do. That’s why it won’t help if you tell me it’s neither useful nor healthy. At least I can avoid that aisle of the grocery store. I haven’t been able to figure out how to put on a cone of shame to prevent me gnawing at those emotional wounds that underlie the self-berating tendency. The closest I have come is to catch myself while doing it—but then I berate myself for berating myself.
But I’m making progress. So are you. If I can’t resist temptation, I can at least plan my cone of shame for my own good. Perhaps you and I can claim at least one advantage over poor Toby. We can acknowledge and remind ourselves of this truth: there is no shame in crafting our own cone of shame.
If you like what you read here, you might enjoy one or more of my books. You can find them here, and there are more to come.
Donn King is The Confidence Cultivator. He is the author of The Sparklight Chronicles series of business parables and a professor of communication studies (which means “a professor of standing up in front of people and saying stuff”). He’s also a pastor, a speaker, and a communication coach. Reach out to donn at donnking dot com to see how he could help you increase your impact, gain influence, and build your career.
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